Managing parenting time with an abuser
If you and your ex-partner have children together, you will likely face challenging situations as you manage the parenting issues that will arise. This resource provides suggestions and tips on how to anticipate and manage those challenges in ways that are safe for you and your children and can lead to outcomes that are good for the children.
General guidelines:
- Don’t meet with your ex-partner alone or in either of your homes.
- Avoid making informal or verbal agreements with the abuser.
- Insist that any agreements you make be in writing. This can be as simple as an email exchange in which you both confirm whatever arrangement you are agreeing to.
Anticipating & managing challenges:
- Be prepared for conflict: Have a comprehensive parenting plan with special sections related to managing conflict. If at all possible, you should prepare this with the help of a lawyer, and/or have a lawyer review the parenting plan before you present it to the judge.
- Get professional support: Don’t be afraid to involve a third-party professional, such as a lawyer or mediator, to help resolve disputes about parenting time.
- Make predictions based on patterns and past behaviours: Make appropriate plans based on patterns of past behaviours and be sure to document everything you can.
- Is child abduction a possibility? Has your ex-partner ever threatened to abduct or withhold the children, specifically by taking them to another country and not bringing them back? Do you have reason to believe that this is a credible threat, perhaps because your ex has connections in that country or has applied for passports in the children’s names? Have you consulted with a lawyer? Have you taken protective measures like withholding parenting time or calling border authorities and explaining the situation? Keep the phone number of your child welfare (CAS) agency handy so you can call them if you believe your ex-partner has abducted your children.
- Are the children at risk? Has your ex-partner ever harmed or threatened to harm the children in any way? Has that been documented? What was the nature of the harm or threat(s)? Is your ex-partner engaging in problematic behaviour with respect to the children during their time together? If so, document such behaviours.
- Keep all communication: Having a “paper trail” helps avoid “he said/she said” situations in court.
- Compromise when reasonable: Even in a healthy relationship, parents disagree from time to time about parenting. Be prepared to make reasonable compromises.
Learn more about managing parenting time with an abuser via our toolkit, The Law and Parenting Arrangements After Separation.